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The
Tenko Times
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From one of our Foreign Correspondents; RATTLES OVER KALIMANTANNews just breaking suggests that we are not all the happy happy happy bunnies at the holiday camp as our "In the eyes of Luton" Commandant has written in the journal home to Mother. Our correspondent, a keen Orchid fancier, sees emergency Red-Cross parcels winging their way to Ujerfeck Pantsakimbo containing emergency supplies of rattles. Allegedly, the old ones have been thrown across the flightdeck and nobody is for retrieving them. Click on the next copy of the Tenko Times to see what develops.
Hippy found "injured" at bottom of lift-shaftLate on the evening of 29th March, Police were called to the Sahid Jaya Makassar hotel in central Ujernangphut Phlibilybong. A young man matching the description, "hippy", was found "injured" at the bottom of a lift shaft. Police are treating the circumstances of his "injury" as natural causes following polite but timely intervention by the Hajj pilot heavy mob. The movements of the young man, Bullmeister Fitchley, 9, have been tracked by use of the pilot neighbourhood watch and it is thought that prior to entering the lift, Fitchley had been accessing the internet using the HAJJ PILOT COMPUTER. On a search of the body, the booking pen was found in his pocket. Several pilots were seen whistling innocently at the open door of the lift shaft on the third floor of the hotel and cooperated most helpfully with the subsequent lack of investigation.
Nude Tennis OutlawedIt has come to the attention of the editorial board of this newspaper that several members of the Britboys tennis team are playing the holy game in various states of undress. It must be pointed out that according to Ujurningning Patterdung tennis club rules (formed 26/2/01), tennis must be played extremely badly in grimy, thread-bare t-shirts. Any nipple exposure cannot and will not be tolerated. Groups of chest-baring men have been meeting secretly in broad daylight at the tennis court for bouts of bonding. Pillars of the local community have been steaming up the windows overlooking the tennis court. The hotel management have been informed and have promised to clamp down on these sordid activities in order to prevent a major trampling incident involving the ladies of the camp.
EDITOR'S COLUMNSubmissions are now beginning to arrive at the editorial desk, all foreign correspondent articles will be published, although occasionally the odd punctuation mark may be inserted to clarify the insult. Any submissions will be accepted with no regard or interest in the truth. All submissions should be made to: Terima Kasih.
SHARK ATTACKS ARAB
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From one of our Foreign Correspondents; STRINGFELLOW BUYS SALSAPeter (Monica) Stringfellow has bought into The Salsa Bar
and Lotus shops in Ujung Panbloodydang to impress a 20 year old schoolgirl
out of her g-string. When interviewed, Peter, 53, said, "I spend all
this rupiah putting clothes on her only to rip them off again". The
20 year old declined to comment but was heard to Our competitor, The Sulawesi Times, has paid large sums (circa 1000rp) to her previous friends for their stories. In last week's edition, Mr Tom Jerry said, "yeah he can keep her, I've gotter checkout at reception yer know!" Additionally, Captain M. Mouse commented, "If her ex plays football like he scores at Le Stade de l'Salsa, Arsenal have nuffin ta fear me ole China". Other boyfriends were unavailable for comment as they were playing around on the golf course.
Baron Von Snakehips attempts Aerobatics from the jumpseatA quick note from the commandant to remind members of the flying community that formation aerobatics on final at Jeddah with a 747 are subject to prior permission from the Chief Pilot. The excuse offered of, "well I thought it was a Corsair 747 and I am rather fluent in French you know." is not acceptable and will be punishable by the usual snake in the bed method.
BHD OUTBREAKThere has been an outbreak of the rare but deadly Big Hair Disease in Ujananang Pingperpong. The authorities are on alert and are guarding the port, airport and all roads out of the city. Suspected cases must be prevented from leaving the city. As part of their public duty, citizens are being asked to keep a very good lookout for any suspected cases of BHD and to report all occurrences to the camp commandant. It is also recommended that all citizens review the constitution with regard to the citizen’s arrest as well as the rarely employed shoot-to-kill method of combating the disease. The symptoms of BHD manifest themselves in an obvious tonsorial manner, however there is a rare side-effect in which the infected continually utter the words, “hair is not an issue on this Hajj, we’re not in the military now, you know”. This side-effect is evidence of the deadliest strain of the disease and must be treated with the utmost caution. It is worthwhile at this point to review the dress code amongst Hajj pilots and in particular the section concerning acceptable hair. Pilot Code of
Conduct, Section 27, sub-section 177.127A: Hair must kept in kempt fashion; short, real short, damn short, crotch-pot cooking short, shorter than short, so short that a comb is simply an accessory. Long hair is a breeding ground for high levels of sex-appeal and encourages prohibited feelings in the ladies of the camp. THIS MUST BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. Remember, your company needs you. | |
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Shock news, just in, and published exclusively here in the Tenko Times. This relates to a middle-aged infidel walking just that extra mile. In pursuit of a little more exercise than is good for him, Mr Selfish Git, 54, is being held in a Saudi jail for crimes of cruelty to the human race and in particular to the Screech family, one of the oldest and most respected dynasties in the Kingdom. Abdul Chopodanglybits, chief of domestic security, said of Git, “I is gonna have heeem”. Lawyers representing Git; Mistas K, F, S & Partners feel that the impending trial will be more of a damage limitation exercise than a defence. A spokesman for the firm, Mista Pierre Van Winkel, was guarded in his comments but read out the official statement, “We’re going to stoooff the great big English pooouuuuuuuufff”. Mr Git, purporting to be in the Kingdom on company business has most clearly been up to no good. When questioned, Git claimed to be on a vital research mission for his company Shark Enterprises Ltd. Investigation by the Tenko Times reveals that Shark Enterprises is purely a holding company for the more renowned Shark Pork Sausage conglomerate which has been putting the stuffing into most things for years. The court case will be followed in detail, here in the Tenko Times. The Kingdom’s renowned pursuit of justice will be tested but, as ever, will prevail.
HAJJ 2001 AWARDSThe Trophies and Awards Committee would like to congratulate Captain “Tug” Moorman for the graceful and gentlemanly manner in which he has accepted his new honorary title. The previous recipient of the honorary “Swampy” has failed to attend the awards banquet and his present whereabouts are unknown. New honours to be announced in the next issue of this hallowed newspaper include “Farty”, “Tinted hair lady-boy git”, “Young and Handsome”, “Bat-belt”, “Anti-Christ”, “Vegetable”, “Surf Dude”, “Surf Dude’s Mate”, “Systems shit who went home early, hooray”, “I don’t do coffee beans, honest” and the new award of “I’d love to fly parcels; they’re small and brown after all, but you did hear me say that I didn’t like coffee”.
Pilot versus doorMcTavish Sinclair McPherson, 103, was left lying concussed and confused in an ocean of blood and was rushed to Ujungerang Pingpongunjung general hospital. Desperate attempts were made by the skilled medical staff to save his embarrassment but to no avail. A spokesman for the hospital said, "McPherson was suffering from the little known disease of 'Phase 2 sexual frustration'. In his confused state, he attempted the triple-pretzel position with a kitchen door and the door successfully fought the old codger off". A spokesman for the Sahid Jaya Makassar hotel said, "I can't wait for this hajj to be over".
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WOMANLY WAYS
News has emerged of a worrying trend for Indonesian washing machines to be gender specific. An example of this has been discovered on the fifth floor of the Sahid Jaya Makassar hotel in Ujung Pandang. Close investigation reveals some shocking findings. The machine refuses to go through its cycles unless filled with delicate items of female underwear and will only progress with the most energetic spin cycle if leant upon in a determined manner. Research by your trusty Tenko Times reporter concludes that it will only operate if the corner edge of the machine is pressed against by a female slight frame with a light thrusting action, an alternative method involving sitting astride the machine has yet to be demonstrated but is illustrated in the manufacturer’s handbook. Rogue males have been discovered in the vicinity of the machine, upon questioning they revealed a fascination of the underwear speciality of this particular washer. One was spotted returning some lingerie items which had clearly been stolen in a previous raid. Questioning by the Tenko Times revealed that he had returned certain items “because they didn’t pinch enough and I could never be sure that I was wearing them”.
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Sunday, 1st April 2001.
